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Old 02-19-2014, 04:01 AM
Posts: n/a
Default Not so long ago... in a Hillbilly Dive Bar Far Far Away...

A man walks into a redneck dive, full of cobwebs and few bar flies... and a dilapidated ring in the dead center. The setting is mostly empty, it's 1am, and the man is looking for someone. He mutters something to the bartender cleaning up stale beer, spit, and a little bit of blood. The ring is merely a few feet from the ceiling, stained with sweat and a musky odor.

Bartender: He's in the back kid... and if you're lucky, he's not passed out...

The bartender lets out a hearty laugh as the man strides through the beaded barrier. He comes upon a stocky, stubbly, and smelly man seemingly passed out on a folding chair with his fingers barely clinging to a bottle of ale, as if it were life itself slipping away...

Nameless Man:Ray...(shakes the lifeless man)... RAY!!!

"Ray": (Barely conscious)Dang man I'll have the damn rent soon. I got a bid deal come...zzzzz

Nameless Man: God Damn It RAY!

The man slaps "Ray" out of his chair and splashes water on him.

"Ray:" God damn brother... I told you!... Huh? You?

Nameless Man: Yeah... It's me Ray.

"Ray": ZZZzzzzz.

Nameless Man: Jesus Christ.

The man strides across the room, he pauses, picks up a bottle of bourbon, and moves towards "Ray"...


"Ray": Goddam Honey if you wanted some just ask! I mean hell...wait you ain't Bertha... you look like that fella... SOB... you're SOB!

"SOB": It's SOH Ray. And you're Redneck Ray.

Redneck Ray: Well.. I was... you sure it ain't SOB... I mean, hell, that's how I remember you...

SOH: Yeah... I get that a lot... what are they paying you here... (looks around in disgust)... what are they paying you Ray?

Redneck Ray: Well... I get free beer... Milwaukee's Best... and there's a girl Bertha... she's a biggun... but she sucks the chrome...

SOH: Forget that Ray...

Redneck Ray: And they give me a goat... kinda looks like Bertha... not as big ya see...

SOH: What if I offered you six digits for a show?

Redneck Ray: A show? Donkey or Rasslin?

SOH:SOH pinches the bridge of his nose. A wrestling show Ray.

Redneck Ray: Hmm... well... you know brother there's the whole free beer deal...

SOH: I'll upgrade you to PBR...

Redneck Ray: Hmm... well, dog gonnit I always wanted to be one those hipster fellas... Let's do it brother!!!

Ray gets up to high five SOH and immediately passes out. SOH looks down at the drunk, and out of shape Ray and shakes his head...

SOH: Ugh... let's go Ray... we have a lot of work to do...

SOH throws Ray's arm over his shoulder and drags him away, he stops at the bar, and looks at the bartender...

SOH: You... um... you don't happen to know a guy named HEN do you?

Bartender: Son, I got plenty of hens, but ain't one of them a fella named HEN...

SOH: Thanks anyway...

The old grizzled bartender watches SOH drag Redneck Ray through the front door...

Bartender: Good lord.

Outside the bar, SOH loads a loaded Redneck Ray into the back of a Ford Pinto hatchback, and sets his GPS for Calgary...Alberta, Canada...

Last edited by SOH : 02-19-2014 at 04:12 AM.
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